Mother's Day

The first Mother's Day since her passing.

I am surprised by how little I feel. Or, rather, by how little I seem to be allowing myself to feel. I know the grief is there. I have had dreams in which I weep for her. More, I detect emotion…sadness…directly under the surface of my conscious awareness. It is like sensing the tremor of the fault under the apparently solid ground that supports your feet.

Why, then, do I feel, well, numb to it all? I suspect there are number of reasons. First, it is very soon. She died in March. That was only a few weeks ago. On some level I have not realized (emotionally) that she is genuinely gone.

Second, she spent two years in a state somewhere between life and death. In a way, I have already grieved for her. Or, at least, did so partially.

And, finally, I have been just so busy caring for my father and dealing with a thousand other matters that I simply haven't had time to explore my grief.

None of this, I know, is healthy. I know that, eventually, I will have to face my emotions regarding the death of my mother. It's only a question of time. Though, there's the rub. Who can say when that time will be?

*

There will be an interesting trial tomorrow. Martha has organized a small memorial service for her. It won't be large…just her, me, David, and the minister. But it will be difficult for me to repress my feelings in that setting. I hope I can, however. I do not want to weep uncontrollably in front of witnesses.

I will let you know how it works out.